I love/dislike october. It was a very sad month for me growing up. Though I love halloween …I always think of what if… 

so much independence. I am now with out my family living in japan and i had my first break down saturday night with drunk. damn alcohol. 

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I looked at all my old notes, letters, pictures…gosh things were so simple. So much people had faith in me that i will be a big star. Some where down the road I lost that light and put up walls of smiles and makeup to hide myself behind. If I would have never came to japan life would be so different. Some times I wonder why I am staying here. But I will move forward and fight for myself…I have to. People here … take advantage of me so much. Just think of all that could not happen if I would have stayed and think of how much I have to deal with everyday and how I still try to keep peace with everyone. Naturally I am not the strongest person. My body immune system has weaken ever since I came here. Maybe it is the air or all the smoke I am exposed to but I can not deal with body stress. It scares me to be here on my own. What if I collapse again? Can I trust that some one would get help for me? Would they know how to help me? Would they take my things as payment?

I just know that I can handle only so much and the stress that others have been giving me NEEDS TO GO.  

I am still reliving that day in my head. I had such an exciting night Tuesday….I had en exciting all day of Tuesday … In my life growing up I was forced to be independent. I try to not rely on people who try to help me because I feel I can do it all by myself. Also the reason why I have an apartment by myself. On most occasions I have to act grown up. It was just how I was raised. People knew I graduated in 2009 but yet most people thought I was 22 or even 25 because of my actions…and I am just 20 (soon 21). People even look up to me and confide in me and some people idolize me. I always feel pressured to be that perfect image for them. But Tuesday…

I met him near the beach with almost no makeup on …my hair was not ironed and he treated me as usual. We drank at 4pm on a Tuesday out by the beach like if we had no care in the world … I felt like I was actually my age. Spent all my money, Broke my necklace, broke my car door, did some stuff in public (lol), played volleyball,  broke a nail, sang karaoke, and still made it home safe …. It was the first time I was so wild and did not give a fuck about the next day. I even missed a meeting for my other job…I was so stress free…. just one day with him … 

I am happy with life but it was nice to be …free for one day  

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