I love/dislike october. It was a very sad month for me growing up. Though I love halloween …I always think of what if…
so much independence. I am now with out my family living in japan and i had my first break down saturday night with drunk. damn alcohol.
I looked at all my old notes, letters, pictures…gosh things were so simple. So much people had faith in me that i will be a big star. Some where down the road I lost that light and put up walls of smiles and makeup to hide myself behind. If I would have never came to japan life would be so different. Some times I wonder why I am staying here. But I will move forward and fight for myself…I have to. People here … take advantage of me so much. Just think of all that could not happen if I would have stayed and think of how much I have to deal with everyday and how I still try to keep peace with everyone. Naturally I am not the strongest person. My body immune system has weaken ever since I came here. Maybe it is the air or all the smoke I am exposed to but I can not deal with body stress. It scares me to be here on my own. What if I collapse again? Can I trust that some one would get help for me? Would they know how to help me? Would they take my things as payment?
I just know that I can handle only so much and the stress that others have been giving me NEEDS TO GO.
I am still reliving that day in my head. I had such an exciting night Tuesday….I had en exciting all day of Tuesday … In my life growing up I was forced to be independent. I try to not rely on people who try to help me because I feel I can do it all by myself. Also the reason why I have an apartment by myself. On most occasions I have to act grown up. It was just how I was raised. People knew I graduated in 2009 but yet most people thought I was 22 or even 25 because of my actions…and I am just 20 (soon 21). People even look up to me and confide in me and some people idolize me. I always feel pressured to be that perfect image for them. But Tuesday…
I met him near the beach with almost no makeup on …my hair was not ironed and he treated me as usual. We drank at 4pm on a Tuesday out by the beach like if we had no care in the world … I felt like I was actually my age. Spent all my money, Broke my necklace, broke my car door, did some stuff in public (lol), played volleyball, broke a nail, sang karaoke, and still made it home safe …. It was the first time I was so wild and did not give a fuck about the next day. I even missed a meeting for my other job…I was so stress free…. just one day with him …
I am happy with life but it was nice to be …free for one day
back to work
AboutI am Shay Fran, Shay Mahou, or just Shay. I love Gaga, Japan, Parties, Socializing, Freedom of expression. No one should tell you you are not beautiful. be yourself. you only have one life in this life time so live it up.
I am currently in japan ...<3